Oh Girl...When did YOU Get Married?

Oh lawd I'm so drained....

So I'm in a convo with a sister of mine that I haven't spoken to in abuot 2 years. Explaining and catching up on my wonderful relationship with my "husband" and the "ex" that didn't even pay his own rent, we came to a screeching hault when she said..."wait a minute girl...it's been about 4 minutes into this conversation and you didn't tell me you got married! CONGRATULATIONS!!!"

WHOA... OK.. First of all... I, Tanisha Jenee' McClellan am not married. I don't "play marraige"...at least I didn't think so till my good friend and a few before her started fussing at me for not inviting them to "the wedding"...u know, the wedding that never exhisted in the first frikkin place?

Let me start off by saying that I'm am indeed, engaged... it's not about the ring, it's about the committment. I don't know why we aren't planning our wedding. I tend to get raging moments of disgust because of it, where I ask my darling fiance', "why aren't we planning a ceremony? Wut's the holdup? We don't need a huge million dollar wedding...just Reverend Phil Valentine, his wife, and our parents and children!..That's IT!"... I get no answer, or "can we talk about this at another time Tanisha?"..."Sure we can".. and of course.. there's no conversation...

That's it.. that's why as of today, April 27th, 2010, with TWO children, I stand happily in love and not married.

How I normally deal with it: I normally refer to my man as "my husband"... I introduce him as such, and I treat him as such.. he's a wonderful father, a wonderful man to me, and yeah, we go thru our ups and downs but we're still learning each other... i think that's a life-long process. I've realized that there's something uncomfortable to him in our relationship that doesn't make him want to jump the broom, so as of about 2 weeks ago, where I mentioned the "marriage stuff", and I got the "can we talk about this when you get home Tanisha?"...and it NEVER happened, I decided that it's best to leave it alone... to leave him alone regarding the matter, and just continue doing what I normally do. A week ago, I saw through a meditation that my perception of us getting married is fading... and physically, I'm having headaches related to this sorrow about staying engaged forever and playing the "married" role... it started depressing me a lot... and I know nothing happens by consequence or accident. I THEN started getting lower back pains... lately Future has been drawing pictures of Mommy's wedding dresses, veils, and tiaras... how sweet.. that's my princess. This morning she drew one and tears started rolling...

Whoo.. I love metaphysics... I'm clearly supressing this sadness and it's taking a toll on my spirit and health... I've been purposefully not writing. It's been my saving grace throughout my life to write, however, I've been working on my business, and I've been spending a lot more time with my children, and I've been meditating to gain clarity...but once the clarity is gained, i'm not filtering out the wasteful emotional residue... like this... so here I am...writing again (typing). One thing i know for sure.. I just have to trust the universe more, especially when it comes to this relationship. Whether he wants to marry me or not, if it's meant to happen, it will. I've asked to the Universe for a relationship with a man that isn't just gonna shack up with me and get me pregnant, but one that will commit in marraige and infinite union with me, so I have to trust that this is what I have, and if I don't, he won't stay, and the space for the man that cannot commit in marraige to me will be filled with the one for me, chosen by the Universe who loves me like crazy! I'm not meant to lead... I'm too busy conjuring up my energy to manifest.. and that's where I am right now.

Getting back to the conversation with my girl, she seems to be in a similar situation.. a relationship with a man that she's clearly asked the universe for, and he proposed, they had a child (just like me), but she's empty.. she wants a marraige, and not a million dollar ceremony. She wants a ceremony in a courthouse with her parents, his mother, and their children, and that's what will make her feel whole and "close the circle" if you will.

I understand where she is... but she's just talking talking talking about how wonderful this man is (and he is the bomb!) and comes out of her mouth with.. "you have NO idea what it's like to be so in love with a man that doesn't want to marry you and just stay complacent as a fake husband and wife"... wow... she startled me with that comment / assumption.. I was speechless... Again, tears started welling up and I said to her, "meet me at blogspot sis"... lol It is my gift and obligation to write about this.

Why do we as women get so choked up about this stuff? Well, I can only speak for me and say that I've always been in long relationships. Dudes have always done what they wanted to do, I've spent countless dollars on them and us, allowed them into my most divine and delicious space where my manifestation dwells,only to have been literally, drained, over sex'd out (totally), tired, stillhaving to process their unhealty spiritual residue and get it out of MY system, oh yeah... I've been taken advantage of (not mad at them anymore as I realize NOW that I attracted these men for a reason), and I've been used (oh...my MOST RECENT ex who had 3 jobs and didn't pay his rent...guess who paid it, brought him a Blackberry AND got groceries delivered to his house?) I've been a fool...no doubt... and I'm VERY accountable for it as of today (wasn't always). So why do I, Tanisha McClellan, a humble virtuous woman upset everytime my sister in Florida calls me and says "isn't the wedding scheduled for August 29th this summer?" well.... our wedding WAS scheduled for August 29th, and a lot happened over the course of the 3 years we've been together. I've seen the relationship change... I've seen our roles change, and the things that we once did for each other change.. a lot of that has to do with having Alexandria... my plump and beautiful 1 yr old that took a lot of energy out of me, along with having to go back to work 6 weeks after having her when I planned to finally have a real maternity leave for once (i went back 6 weeks after having Future 8 years ago as well), and losing things...our car, our house.. holding down a lot took a whole lot out of me... The woman's body /temple is very sensitive... and when her physical breaks down, and her mental breaks down even more, and she feels stuck(for me it was being stuck in a job I can't stand when I know I should be making more money and doing more), everything shuts down.. libido (yes I said it!), her will to succeed and finally be comfortable.. I was all that for the last 2 years of my lil one's existance. I was tired... I never had anything that I worked sohard for taken from under me like I did when my car was repo'd and our house was no longer ours and we had to move.

So now here we are.. women who are worthy... who held it down ride or die with our men... still (on paper) "single"... because there IS no field to check "engaged" when I'm filling out papers for assistance or applying for a loan... nope... it's married or single... not "it's complicated" (which btw, is a bullshit excuse as if you're not in control of your destiny with this person)... but like I said, all in time folks... and yes, when it's time, you'll get a picture! :) But in the meantime... STOP ASKING ME WHEN JUNIOR AND I WILL GET MARRIED... (exhale).. thanks sweetiepies! ..lol

I know that when it's time, it will be for REAL, it will be lovely, and it will be spiritually invested in 1000%! The Universe that allows me to breathe everyday, and gave me my lungs, heart, intestinal tracts, mind, body, and soul, will guide me to my wedding day!!!!! And I will continue to exit the emotional baggage labled "dissappointment", and "U're not controllin this one Nish" through my eye duckets until it's all gone, and I'll keep accepting my beautiful wedding dress sketches from my favorite artist, my daughter, until that day. I don't see my soul and spirit unified with any other beautiful man other than my "chocolate dream".. that's my fiance'.... and I believe the Creator, the Universe itself, has OUR back as a couple...

Thanks for letting me share. I know the Universe appreciates it too... it's sick of me crying and surpessing this mess!...lol
-Nish